Making Space For Every Part of You

Stage-Fright

Oftentimes I’ve asked myself why I don’t always have concise feelings about the choices I make in life. It’s normal to feel multiple ways about different things, but take stage-fright for example. Some individuals want to get up on stage and address a crowd, they know the words, they rehearse them, and now they finally get on stage, and despite their aptitude, they find themselves fumbling their performance, choking on their words, and their heart racing. Finally their time on stage is over and they feel a sense of shame and confusion as to why this is happening. They may even criticize themselves - “What’s my problem? I hate that I do this… I wish I could just get rid of this troublesome part of myself!” Our poor imaginary friend, let’s name them Richard, really seems to not just be struggling on stage, but struggling with himself as well. If we were to take a closer look at this scenario, we’d see several distinct “parts” of this Richard, all playing different roles. 

Parts of me?

In all of my research, study, and practice within the field of counseling and psychology, I’ve never found such an integrative method of psychotherapy as one that views an individual as composed of distinct parts. To use the prior example, when we take a look at the experience of Richard, we can see several distinct systems at work. There was a part that motivated him to practice and perform on his own without trouble, and another, anxious part that appeared to arise while he was on stage. After he was finished, we saw another part that appeared to be angry at Richard’s stage-fright. To add to this, these parts likely have their own tone of voice in mind. Identifying and developing a relationship with these parts is the central focus on a type of counseling theory named Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS).

What are Internal Family Systems?

Internal Family Systems Therapy seeks to help individuals develop self-compassion through exploring and developing a relationship with these individual parts as they arise. Oftentimes, when individuals hear the words “Internal Family Systems”, they are reminded of “family therapy”, where a group of family members sit down with a therapist and work through their differences, beginning a practice of compassionately and empathetically relating to each other. IFS, however,

has little to do with involving family members, and in fact is a type of therapeutic technique that involves focusing on the individual systems of thought and feeling within the individual person.

 In many ways this system of parts resembles a family of personalities inside the individual. To summarize, the central goal of IFS therapy is to help individual people identify and learn about the different parts of themselves, their function, intentions, and then develop a relationship with those parts grounded in compassion and empathy. Healing very hurt parts of ourselves (referred to as Exiles), is another major goal of IFS therapy.

More About “Parts”

IFS may sound complicated, but it essentially implies that individuals are composed of distinct “parts”, and these parts are working together in one way or another to help individuals make their way through life. The term “part” is not the best word to use, but it’s often the word that gets used by clients the most. For example, it’s not uncommon for someone to feel torn about a decision they want to make, and will often cite that: “A part of me wants _____, but another part of me wants _____.” One of the most common examples of parts-at-work is demonstrated frequently by individuals that try to break habits. A part of that individual wants to break the habit, while another very real part continues to engage in said habit. In some ways, these parts have their own personality, and understanding how these personalities can manifest at the same time, helps explain complex and conflicting emotional reactions. 

Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles

Internal Family Systems theory proposes that there are three different types of parts: Managers, Firefighters, and Exiles. Each of these has their own general set of functions. All the parts work together, performing their individual roles in order to address challenges, react to stress, and heal trauma when possible. Below is a breakdown of these different parts’ general roles.

Managers 

Manager parts are the parts of us that help us manage day-to-day life. You can even think of them as a collection of suited professionals that attempt to react to and navigate your life in the best way they can. Individuals have more managers than any other type of part due to the many roles they must play on a daily basis. Managers help us get through meetings, stay focused on lectures, order coffee, apologize for misbehavior, think, overthink, and remember tasks.

Firefighters

Firefighters are parts that give relief to managers, when they can no longer do their job. A good example of a firefighter at work would be an individual getting home to their family at the end of a very stressful work day, ignoring everyone in the house, and proceeding to drink beer, eat cake, and binge watch the entire Star Wars Trilogy until they pass out. In this case, the individual manager parts have been working so hard to keep working a stressful job, that they no longer have the energy to embody empathy and interact with their family in a meaningful way. At this point, the central goal of the firefighter is helping the individual gain a sense of relief, at all costs. Think of how an actual firefighter will destroy anything in their path to save the person who is trapped. That is how firefighters in IFS theory operate. Another all-too-common example would be alcoholism and drug addiction. 

Exiles

Finally, there are Exiles. Exiles are parts that we often do not want to feel. They are parts that have felt pain, embarrassment, or grief and are usually linked to traumatic events or recurring negative themes in one’s life. An example of this would be a child being screamed at by their parents on a regular basis, and then repressing those memories and feelings (exiling them). Manager parts will bury these feelings or distract the individual so that they do not have to actively feel the pain. Managers and firefighters will do everything they can to repress and ignore these hurt exiled parts. An example of a manager at work doing exactly this, would be the ability to stop crying, or prevent crying, despite feeling pain. Working with managers and firefighters in a compassionate way is the central path to healing old traumas. 

The Self

So exactly what part are the exiles being hidden from? Managers and firefighters often hold the belief that the negative energy from the exiled parts are too great for an individual’s “Self” to handle. The Self is not considered a part per se, however the Self is a collection of attributes ranging from compassion to creativity. 

“Self-energy” fuels positive growth in parts and is required in order to heal exiles. Contrary to the beliefs of the managers and firefighters, to say it poetically, exiles are like hurt children who need their parent’s (the Self’s) loving compassion in order to work through their pain and heal.

Everyone Benefits!

All that being said, Internal Family Systems theory is for much more than just trauma resolution and habit-breaking. IFS is a way of developing more self-compassion, awareness, and a greater feeling of choice in one’s actions. Anyone can learn how to relate to themselves using an IFS framework, regardless of having any mental health struggles. We all have these parts, and they look differently between individuals. We all have exiled parts as well, regardless of trauma history. Regardless of the theoretical lens, developing a well-rounded, compassionate, and proactive relationship with oneself is a sure-fire way to foster continued growth throughout one’s life